Tuesday, July 31, 2007
aJ said to me yesterday, "can you please don't work so hard?"
I laughed it off. Then, my thoughts and questions came to my mind.
Have I been working that hard?Maybe yes, maybe no. I felt that it was a need, not a want, to have two jobs, if not study and work.
Why?Family commitments. Although I did not give a part of my monthly salary to my mother, but at least, I paid my own expenses. I mean ALL my own expenses. That includes, my braces - $100/month, transportation - $100/month, food - lost count how much I spent, phone bill - $100. All of them adds on and on.
I gave up shopping, my hobbies, lost touch with friends, sacrificed a little on my studies, just to work, to make life a lil' better.
Is it worth it?I would say yes. There are many things beyond my control. What has happened has happened. The only I can do to help, is to lessen the burden. At least, I have stepped into the working society, learning how fuckdap the world is. I have been more independent. Surviving in this cold world. Many many times, I managed to get through major disasters. For all the shit I have been going through, I am still standing up tall. At the same time, I think that my life is a major catastrophe.
Do people out there ever appreciate what have I done?All the things I've done, I do it for myself and my family. To be honest, I don't think I have been a noble person to be contributing alot to the society and my friends. I do not have the extra energy to do so. I am selfish, I know. But I hate it, when I am doing so much to make life better, my mother does not appreciate it. "First you, second your younger brother. Disappoint me so much." She said something of that kind to me.
I was hurt, I still am. I cried, I bawled and I wailed. In what way have I disappoint you? I do not understand. It seems to me that what I have all done, is just to disappoint you. If you expect me to understand you, you have to understand me. Stop seeing things from only one perspective. There are many many things that you have said hit me hard on my heart, yet I do nothing about it. There are many times when you are being unreasonable, and yet I did not defend myself, kept quiet and ignore what you have said and decided to forget about it because I did not want our relationship to sour again. I tried. I really tried. But everything I do, still disappoints you. I know, there are somethings that you not happy about me.
Didn't I changed?
Didn't I spend more time at home help you with housework?
Didn't I try to help you with requests that you make?
Can't you see my changes?
Can't you see my efforts?
I am still trying to change to suit you. But it all goes down the drain. All I sense was that you take things for granted. I know you are troubled, I know you are tired, I tried to understand you from your view, but you don't seem it that way. Maybe I did not express it, thats why you don't. It upsets me, that you don't see what I am tryin to do or say.
I tried to gain your trust, but you never did. You want me to be independent and yet you don't trust me. I tried making everything works. But its just futile effort.
The person that makes you proud is my undergrad bro. But did he do anything to emotionally support you? No, I don't think so. All he does was to come back home, talk and talk and not do anything. Yet I was the opposite. I do and do and not talk about anything.
I tried I tried and I tried and I am still trying...
Because all I wanted to do was just to make you proud.
Labels: Rants
express yourself {9:49 AM}
